Second Effort

Seriously, you guys. I’m sorry the updates have been so few and far between these past few weeks, but it seems like this fall is just a big clusterfuck. Different shit going on every weekend, not enough time to do the stuff I want to do, and surprisingly little time during working hours to post on the blog. Had I known this job was actually going to require me to work for my pay, I would have thought a little harder about taking it.

Speaking of my pay, that’s one of the topics that has been weighing heavily on my mind as of late. See, I’m coming up on the big 1-year anniversary, and I figure as a member of the professional world it is now my duty to harass my boss until he gives me a raise.

This raises an interesting scenario that I have never had to deal with and am not sure just how to go about it. As hard as it is to imagine, the inner workings of the Tipton Conservative are pretty laid back. We don’t exactly have progress reports or regular evaluations. If my boss sees something he likes, he tells me. We’ve never had an actual sit down meeting or anything of the sort since my interview about a year ago.

I have worked at exactly two places that gave me a pay raise over the course of my time there, not including the Northern Iowan, where I got an additional 5 cents an inch for every semester I came back. Yes, I was making about $47.35 by the time I finally graduated. At Arby’s I got a raise after surviving the first week without slicing off my fingers or anyone else’s in the process of making Beef’n Cheddars 16 hours a week. I think I actually made it up to 6.00 per hour during my Arby’Q days, including one raise that was a mandated change in the minimum wage at that time.

At Pepper’s, they figured out I was only slightly less retarded than the majority of the employees and showed up for work sober most of the time, so they gave me a quarter raise for making such lovely onion rings and chicken fingers. That raise actually came with a title, I shit you not, something like frier captain.

When they moved me up to the grill, which was a big deal, I got another raise and a larger tip chare percentage. That was pretty sweet, cause I could pocket that after every shift and walk directly out to the bar for 5 hours. But my boss pulled me aside for this bump in pay and gave me a big pep talk about how much responsibility it was and that I would have to try and pick things up fast.

“We think you could have a future here,” he said, “You could be a manager on the line in a year or so, so I want to start seeing a little more leadership out of you back here.”

No shit. His mistake was, that just put me a little closer to the big tubs of tortilla chips and spinach dip, completely negating any profits on the nights that I worked.

I don’t know what he was thinking, he knew I was in school and would be the editor of the paper, I guess he’s just used to most guys working there and eventually pissing away any chance of graduating with their sweet tip share money.

So now I have to ask the boss for some more cash. And I have no idea what to say or even how much to ask. I feel like I get a pretty fair salary, but after a year, it’s like an obligation, you can’t just keep taking it up the ass without asking for some lube, can you? And I’ve never been a salary guy before, so is there a requisite percentage you have to look for? Do I say something about the impending wedding and how I need more money? It’s not like I’m going anywhere if he were to say no, but it might make me start looking.

I know a lot of you are more business-types than me, so you’ll have to give me some insight. Or just start paying for this highly entertaining writing so I don’t have to worry about that shit in the first place.

I am, truly and completely, and incredible asshole. This shit is too good not to share. Plus, Ben really wanted it. I know it’s incredibly long, but there are at least a couple good laughs in here. I would just post the final comment in this line, but for those of you that like the context, I have included it all. Plus, Ben got some jabs in there too, and I don’t want to slight him. Even though there’s nothing slight about him.

Starting this morning:

Geek?

by: Shockers (rain11111) Sep 23 9:24am

Frosted Flakes,

You call me the biggest geek you know, look in the fuckin mirror, And I quote “look at his profile”, nobody else probably gives a shit what my 2 yr old profile says and what does it say about the amount of time you have to be looking at everyone else’s profile.

I do have to give you props though, you got me to post to talk some smack which I guess is what you wanted. And as soon as I’m done winning my Baseball League and getting a solid lead in my NFL Pick ‘em pool that plays for cash not bragging rights, I’ll concentrate more on this league and the trash talking.

Ohh, one more thing. Do you realize how much stuff there is on the internet that never gets visited.

1. My profile

2. The Ku Klux Klan chapter of Compton’s Website (www.kkkincpt.com)

3. The poorly designed charity website (www.mirrorsfortheblind.org)

4. The Baronowski Family Porn site (www.tonyeatsgramma.com)

5. Your Blog (C:\Documents and Settings\Tony the Cool\My Documents\My blog.txt)

Spanky Strikes Back

by: Raging Alcoholics (tony_apb3) Sep 23 10:17am

Hey Ben, good to hear from you. I knew I could count on you, despite being a fat little midget you never lacked balls, and for that you have my respect.

Two things, first, the comment left on my blog yesterday in regard to the smack posts was just this:

At 3:49 PM, Anonymous said

BO = owned, nice work.

Which you know brought a smile to my face. And the second thing is…since starting the blog in July (which I am fully aware makes me a geek too, benny boy, I wouldn’t even try to deny it) I’ve had about 3000 hits and gained my fair share of fans. But to be fair, a lot of people already loved me from my days as a UNI columnist. I would give you the address, but I’m quite sure that none of you could comprehend my use of the English language anyway. And there aren’t any pictures of boobs, so you wouldn’t really be interested. I will, however, give you a link to video of me throwing up a couple weeks ago after an Iowa game.

http://www.iversys.com/images/tony_the_chicken.mov

Blog

by: Shockers (rain11111) Sep 23 11:18am

Just because you check your blog 200 times every day doesn’t mean you have a following.

And I’m really hurt by an anonymous person making a comment in your blog. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a couple other accounts created to write the comments to make you feel important. Multiple personalities don’t get different user accounts. I don’t care how many different personalities you have, I highly doubt one of them is intelligent.

By the way, you lose all credibility when you post a picture of yourself puking. I usually puke after I see Iowa play too. I wish I could have seen the video of you when you realized how much Iowa sucked when they go shown how to play football by ASU. Yeah, maybe the cyclones couldn’t pull off the victory in IC this year, and so what they went 2-10 last year, at least they weren’t ranked 12th in the nation and lost by 38 points. Blame it on what you want, but that was by far the best game I’ve seen yet this year.(besides the packers losing to the bears)

Take that thing out of your ass you call a blog and post it homeslice.

PS, I don’t blame you for not sharing the address oif your blog either, I’d search for it if I really wanted to, but If I got caught surfing all the sites that would come up when I’d do a search for “Thespian Prick” I might get fired.

The Call Out

by: Raging Alcoholics (tony_apb3) Sep 23 11:43am

Ok, bad ben. Here’s the address, and in the interest of fairness, I posted your most recent response as well. You never should have brought the Clown into this.

http://tonysrantcentral.blogspot.com/

The Clown

by: Shockers (rain11111) Sep 23 1:20pm

Tony,

I take it all back, Please, let me take it back, I don’t want hate mail from the few anonymous posters on your blog. I take it all back super nerd. I didn’t take the time to read any of the posts but I did notice one post had 8 comments, so I did give you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that 8 people cared to comment about your 2 page birthday article. But I grew tired of reading about how your mom is surprised you have a girlfriend. *Slammed by your own mom by the way* and then when you had two replies in the comments I totally threw the idea that you had a “following” out the window. Bring on the clown, bring on the cyclone haters, bring everybody because your going to need them to help you get back up when I beat you to the ground.

You started the smack, now stop asking your few blog readers for something stupid to say, just open your mouth it will come out easy enough.

Stats don’t lie

by: Raging Alcoholics (tony_apb3) Sep 23 1:32pm

Funny Ben, according to my stat reader, ’someone’ who works at rockwell, and I can only assume it’s you, spent about and hour and half reading my posts…and their comments. Now, I’m assuming there may have been a 12 minute lunch break in there, enough time for you to eat four big macs and three large fries to maintain that svelt figure of yours, but you read at least 8 posts from my archives, and that doesn’t count the 20 on the front page…odd. For the record, I’ve had more than one visitor from at least 12 different countries, not every one leaves a comment, like, oh, I dunno, You.

But to get back on the subject, if you really think a bald queer and 65 year-ol italian flunky are taking you to the playoffs, or even keeping you in the running with me, you’d better guess again.

But again, Big Ben, I give you props, I wanted the smack and now I’ve got it. I guess that means I won…like usual.

Re: Stats

by: Shockers (rain11111) Sep 23 2:12pm

Tone-Loco

I didn’t realize when I kept open the window in the background I would have been accused of actually reading your ramblings. If I would have known that I would have closed it out right away instead of leaving it open while I read ESPN.com. And most of the people that come over from other countries are illegal bots that all they do day in and day out is go through webpages and farm any email addresses that they find. They are illegal in the US but you can run them from other countries. How many people from those 16 countries posted comments?

And why on earth would I need to make a comment on your Blog. I’m not going to rebut my own ideas. I just hope one of your imaginary blog friends has something intelligent to say.

btw, check you stats again, I checked to see what awesome comebacks your blog would bring, you have 1 comment. Ouch, Sucks to be you.

Denile ain’t just a fucking rivuh

by: Raging Alcoholics (tony_apb3) Sep 23 2:18pm

Ben, you’re full of shit, and here’s proof

Thu Sep 23 14:11:28 2004 Windows NT 5.1 (Win32) English (United States) MSIE 6 oproxy2.rockwellcollins.com

15/15 http://tonysrantcentral.blogspot.com/2004/09/bo-brings-thunduh.html

15/15, that’s the number of different hits you have counted on my blog today/ever.

Eat it, brother of Jdouche. And come on, give me some credit for my line about your QB’s, that was solid.

and your point is?

by: Shockers (rain11111) Sep 23 2:29pm

Insult my QB’s all you want, look at the pick I have out there of Available ones.

I guess I don’t know what your arguing. I never stated I stayed under 10 hits on your website. A hit is not how long you stay on, its how many links you click on. You do have alot of stuff on there. And for that I guess I give you props for the free time. I’m still not admiting that I read more than the post that involved me in it and some other comments from other months. I’m not stupid enough to argue about something I know nothing about. I can clearly speak for everyone here when We thought that you were one of the few people to visit your blog beside your family and girlfriend. I just wanted to make sure I was correct that you don’t have a “following”, so that I didn’t give you the opportunity to say but i have 10 comments from 8 different people. Please, copy and paste my visit to your blog all you want, but all i know is if anyone takes the time to read through our “discussion” your going to get the most legit hits your blog has ever seen.

Clarification for the Nutsack

by: Raging Alcoholics (tony_apb3) Sep 23 3:00pm

Puss infected rectal wart,

I know what a hit is, you don’t need to explain it to me. And, insanely enough, I didn’t have to major in computer douchebagery to know that, I studied something worthwhile.

It’s not hard to do the math ben, there’s a hit from you, then ten minutes later another hit on another entry. It’s not that confusing. I know popularity has always been an ‘issue’ for you, so I don’t blame you for being a little jealous of that fact that people care what I have to say, in fact, I wouldn’t expect anything else. The fact remains, and I know this isn’t a lot, but I average 56 hits a day from different computers. One of those is mine at work, another is mine at home, and let’s even subtract my mom from the tally. 53 is still more people than would admit to having touched an/or spoken with you in your life. We shall assume your mom and brother would admit to it. And certainly larger than the number of people that remember you from high school and college combined. In short, you are a loser, and I don’t blame you for being botherd by the fact that people like me, or even like to laugh at me or talk shit to me via my comments. totally understandable.

I wasn’t planning on copying and pasting all of this stuff, but if it’s really important to you, I will. And then you can bring it up and show it to your friends, e-mail it to your grandma and say to them all, “Look, that’s me he’s ripping a new asshole…” And people will read about you, ben, and you can go one night without crying yourself to sleep in a puddle of Howie’s seed.

Ben Oliver, also known as B.O. by those of us who have been within a 12 foot radius of him, came back with authority today in the Fantasy Football comments following my call for Smack in the post yesterday. In the interest of fairness, I figured I would post his comment here and offer him a ‘job well done.’

Blog

by: Shockers (rain11111) Sep 23 11:18am

Just because you check your blog 200 times every day doesn’t mean you have a following.

And I’m really hurt by an anonymous person making a comment in your blog. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a couple other accounts created to write the comments to make you feel important. Multiple personalities don’t get different user accounts. I don’t care how many different personalities you have, I highly doubt one of them is intelligent.

By the way, you lose all credibility when you post a picture of yourself puking. I usually puke after I see Iowa play too. I wish I could have seen the video of you when you realized how much Iowa sucked when they go shown how to play football by ASU. Yeah, maybe the cyclones couldn’t pull off the victory in IC this year, and so what they went 2-10 last year, at least they weren’t ranked 12th in the nation and lost by 38 points. Blame it on what you want, but that was by far the best game I’ve seen yet this year.(besides the packers losing to the bears)

Take that thing out of your ass you call a blog and post it homeslice.

PS, I don’t blame you for not sharing the address oif your blog either, I’d search for it if I really wanted to, but If I got caught surfing all the sites that would come up when I’d do a search for “Thespian Prick” I might get fired.

So this rotund little monkey of a man has called me out, and I will share with the FF League the address of this fair blog. But as it is my space on the internet, I call out my readers to let dear Benjamin know what you think of he and his beloved Cyclowns. Boys, have a heyday.

A couple news items for you from the bad people over at the Drudge Report. First, have you ever wondered how you are going to die? Well I really haven’t, I just assumed it would be choking on my own vomit. But I found a far more likely scenario in the following news story.

7-Foot Crucifix Falls, Kills Woman

POSTED: 1:33 pm EDT September 22, 2004

UPDATED: 1:35 pm EDT September 22, 2004

ROME — A woman was killed Wednesday when a nearly 7-foot-tall metal crucifix fell on her head in a small town in southern Italy, police said.

Maddalena Camillo, 72, was walking in the main square in the village of Sant’Onofrio when the crucifix toppled from a monument being restored for a religious celebration, police said.

Sant’Onofrio is in the region of Calabria, the toe of the boot-shaped Italian peninsula, about 370 miles south of Rome.

I can just see my funeral…what’s anyone going to say when they speak other than, yeah, he asked for it.

Also, this Britney Spears wedding thing has hardly gotten any press, at least comparitively. Which leads me to one conclusion: By this time next year, that skank will be splayed out across some glossy pages showing off her boob job scars and everything else in the very near furture. Hopefully before the heroin tracks are too noticeable.

I found myself in a shitty mood trying to write a post today and wasn’t coming up with anything worthwhile, so I intead elected to log onto my fantasy football league and proceeded to insult each team manager in an effort to get some smack talk flowing. Considering the product, I am fairly sure my intentions were achieved. I entitled my comment: the League of Extraordinary Vaginas.

The League of Extraordinary Vaginas

by: Raging Alcoholics (tony_apb3) Sep 22 12:52pm

I have to say, as weak as Jdouche has been in the smack dept., I’m disappointed in the rest of you. Dot thinks he has to win to talk shit, but if that’s the standard, than he isn’t going to be talking much with the team he has this season. Come on bitches, bring it! I can’t be the only asshole in this group, you know it makes things more fun.

So with no further ado, let me insult the people I know or think I know that are in this league in the hopes that they will grow a pair and start talking some shit.

HORNY — I know it’s asking a lot for you to try and type with those sasages you call fingers, but quit being a bitch and say something.

B.O. — Dude, you are one of the biggest geeks I’ve ever known in my life, and that’s saying something considering I hang out with a lot of geeks. Also, I know you have never liked me and I’ve been saying a lot shit about your mom and your brother (the only two people you’ve ever had sex with) so come on, sack up and save them, Sally. Oh yeah, and I can’t do any better making fun of you than just passing out this address http://profiles.yahoo.com/rain11111 Big pimpin indeed.

HOWIE — You one-eyed fire-crotched serial rapist of little boys, quit playing video games and humping that 12-year old girlfriend of yours and join the fray.

LOVELESS — Your party will suck and so do you. New Hampton…who lives in New Hampton besides umemplyed pudding makers and the 13 retards that work at Hardees? Oh yeah, I’m having a hot dog with some ketchup for lunch. Brooke Hartman is a sow!

BENNY L — I don’t even know where the hell you are now, are you done with high school yet? Are you going to Hawkeye like your well-educated brother did? Are you still living at home and going through your mom’s undie drawer to sniff her pasties?

JDOUCHE — Old buddy, aren’t you glad I stuck you with that name? your mother’s a whore.

JONNY DOT — Everything I can think to say about you is just too fucking mean. And I got my fill of making fun of you back in high school.

With me, that makes 8 out of ten teams. I don’t know who you other two jerkoffs are, but you make me sick, bitches.

Bring it fuckers, BRING IT ON!!

Pretty nasty stuff, huh? I know, it’s a gift. They say that anytime someone throws insults around they are just trying to feel better about themselves. You know what? It works.

Gee, no one could have guessed.

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1491032/20040917/james_rick.jhtml?headlines=true

And “coroner’s spokesman David Campbell” should probably start looking into a new line of work. Don’t steal from Rick James what is rightfully his: a chance to go down in history as one of the best OD’ers ever. I mean, this tox screen has got to rival Elvis’, don’t you think? Yeah, I really do think.