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I know, I know. No excuses. Except I work 80 hours a week and am one month away from the biggest event of my life. I have like 43 things I want to write about, but this is better than anything I write.
One of my favorite writers right now and for the last few years is Bill Simmons, a die-hard boston guy that writes columns for ESPN.com as “The Sports Guy.” All you have to understand is that the guy earned that moniker while writing for ESPN.com. I mean, jesus, he’s got to be good, right?
So Simmons has gotten to be amazingly popular as of late, and as such, people write to him with fucked up questions. While I’m sitting here waiting to go watch my high school team lose for the third consecutive week, I thought I would give The Sports Guy a read. It’s all great, but here’s a sampling of the shit that really made me laugh. Click the title of this post to connect to his entire column.
Q: I’ve never heard anyone ever speak of this, but don’t you think Forrest Gump would have gotten HIV from Jenny? Or what about Forrest Jr.? I mean, she obviously died of AIDS, with the drugs, needles, orgies and what have you. Do you think either of them got tested? Or maybe he was just so blessed it somehow avoided them. But let’s not deny the fact that Forrest Gump had unprotected sex with Jenny while she had HIV.
– Brian G., Quincy, Mass.
SG: Wait a second … that was your biggest issue with Forrest Gump? What about the scene when he ran back and forth across the country for 18 months, and we never found out how he ate, slept or went to the bathroom? You were fine with that sequence, but you’re demanding a Forrest Gump HIV test?
Q: Please help settle a long-standing debate a friend and I have going. How far did Zack Morris get with Kelly Kapowski?
– Jonathan Chavez, Cambridge, Mass.
SG: I was thinking about bothering my new ESPN colleague Mario Lopez with this one (sorry, I just had to see how that looked in print) before deciding to take this one myself. I don’t think Zack sealed the deal until the “College Years” … and that show never happened. So I’m going with third base. And I mean “third base” in the context of when the show happened (the early-’90s), not what “third base” means now, which is probably something like “a threesome that isn’t videotaped.”
Here’s the obligatory newspaper guy line:
Q: Jonathan Papelbon’s nickname in college was “Paps.” Please give him a new one. I didn’t even think about an old guy when I heard it. I thought about feminine hygiene.
– Bill Shearer, Jackson, Miss.
SG: You think I’m jeopardizing something that could potentially lead to a “Paps smears A-Rod, Sox advance to World Series” headline?
The guy has got it all. He get to write his sports column, everyone actually understands his pop-culture references, and then they give him a chance to write about pop-culture bullshit with this mailbag. Some day, baby, some day.
